Frustration

There are things in our lives that we simply cannot control, some are good some are bad, and some simply exist to frustrate. Those things, they can't really be changed or altered, but they bring you down to such a level you simply want to scream. These things, these frustrating things, get you so worked up in your life that it becomes easy to miss the good things.

I've found that most of the times the most frustrating things in the world are the small things. You stub your toe, you overslept and become late for work, your bills all come in at once. These small things, which in of themselves don't do much to hamper you, end up tainting your entire day. You spend hours thinking about nothing but these frustrations, you obsess over them and become sullen, you gripe and you become angry, for no real reason.

This frustration infects you, it makes you sad, it makes you mad, it can come to depression. All day you feel down and sluggish, all day you just don't want to deal with anything else. All the downs make you feel worse, and all the ups just come as small and ineffectual. You come to the point you just want to stop, you want to give up and just not work for anything anymore. The entire world is against you, in your mind, so why try and fight against impossible odds. There's no point to it... is there?

My current frustration is financial as of late. I'm barely pulling in 10-15 hours a week as of later, I'm not getting the money I need to pay my bills and make myself happy. Last night I checked my paycheck, expecting to find the money I would need for the next two weeks, and a little left over for a present to a friend. This present would have made her happy, and it would have made me happy. I found my lowest paycheck I have ever gotten from this company that I wasn't on vacation for a week. I found that a large chunk of this small check had to go to a bill, I could not afford the gift.

This morning I was awoken to the sound of my phone ringing. Answering the call it was a bill collector, he told me the balance I owed was about to go to collections. I was forced to inform him I simply did not have the money to pay a minimum fee, and it was the truth. Giving him the money would have left scraps in my bank account, and leave me with no cash for two weeks. I put down the phone and started to get ready for work, tired, frustrated, and generally sour.

Being broke is not fun. I've never had a lot of money, and usually have to go paycheck to paycheck. But it's never been like this, I've always managed to keep up with my bills, I've always managed to have a little on the side for myself. This is the longest stretch of time I've had to struggle to keep up, struggle to keep money in my account until the next paycheck. It's crushing, it's infuriating, it's out of my control. I stand here, dulled to the situation... I don't know what to do now. It's become too much for me to handle. I need something to happen.

I'm just not in an uplifting mood today.