Wish It Was Simple

Where were you that night,
When the screams came,
When the tears fell,
When the world ended?

Where were you,
When I was the walking dead,
When I was the empty eyes,
When I was the abused?

Oh, I know where you were,
You were hiding.
You were afraid.
You were standing idly by, watching my demise.

I know where you were,
You liar, betrayer.
Disloyal. Gone but there.
You let me down.

You want to come up now,
Now that the dust has settled.
Now that I am free and able.
Now that it's clear.

You want in.
You want out.
You want a voice.
You want to fix it.

You can't.
Why?
Where were you when I needed you?
Where were you?

I will never forgive you.,
Because you lost yourself.
I lost myself.
And I don't know how to find me again.

Dug in Deep

I'm writing now, at ten in the morning, not because I'm a responsible guy who wants to get his duties done right quick, but because I'm pretty sure that by the time I get home from work I will be too exhausted to think, let alone write coherently. I've been up since nine last night, which has left me a lot of time to think over some things. I'm not in a great position right now, with ten hour work weeks, bills that continue to pile up, and the desire to have at least a little money for myself creating serious budgeting issues. I find myself with two dollars in my bank account, and a disconnected cell phone. My last two cable bills had to be paid by someone in my family, and I have yet to pay back the two hundred dollars I owe between my step-father and brother.

I'm in a hole, packed in so tightly I can barely move. I can't get more scheduled hours, and despise taking cover shifts. Prospects of another job are slim and would only lead to another position where I despise the notion of walking into work. I don't have the money to pay off my expenses and have a little on the side for myself, and it's starting to get to me. Life can do that, when everything seems to collapse in on you at once. You find yourself in a position where forward seems almost impossible, where life just seems to stop you from progressing. It's hard, at these times, to find some footing, you have so much to deal with, where is the first step?

It's in these times, these harrowing times of overwhelming odds, that finding that first step is so crucial. You may find it hard to move forward, but it's the only way to go. You can't stay where you are or the world will eventually suffocate you. But more important than taking that first step forward, is taking a step back. Find your footing, steel yourself, and start climbing out of that hole. It's gonna be hard, it's not gonna be fun, but with some hope, you'll find yourself in a better place soon enough.

I have had a rough couple of weeks. My financial and employment woes have taken a toll on me emotionally, frustration and erratic work has left me with a horrible sleep cycle. I feel sullen and dull, I lash out at my friends. I have a choice to make, two options. I can stay where I am, I can budget myself even more strictly, hope that the money I pull in can keep up with the bills, hope that something unexpected doesn't come up. Or, I can grit my teeth and move forward, start taking more cover shifts, start saving instead of budgeting...

Really, just dig my foot in and start climbing out of this hole.

Draw A Line

Things were different then,
All laughs, smiles and glowing eyes.
Thought we could make it through anything.
We had no idea what we were up against.

Liars, thieves, stolen dreams;
They were what we found.
And as we watched,
Our naive natures got ripped apart.

But would we go back,
To the empty feeling of general happiness?
Become unaware again,
Unknowing of the truth in matters.

Is it better to splendor in ignorance,
Blissfully unaware of the pain, of reality?
Or to suffer, to waste, to overcome,
To know what it is we face and to beat it, head on?

Things are different now,
All tired glances, tilted lips and dull eyes.
But now we know we can make it through anything.
We faced the horrors and know what we're up against.

Are you the President? Theres an App for That.

So President Obama said some interesting things the other day, coming out against instant media. The target of his speech were devices such as the Xbox 360, the Playstation 3, Iphones, and Ipads. He seemed to be going against what is essentially the evolution of news and media from sources like newspapers and television to the internet. This whole issue baffled me since a large portion of Obama's campaign was Internet based. Here is the man who stated that he would use sites like YouTube to give the people more access to the daily workings of the White House, create transparency, and give us all some hand in molding our own government.

This only baffled me for a moment until I started to read into the article a bit more. From the quotes, the President seems to be chiding not the devices or the internet itself, but how easy misinformation can be spread. But I have to say, it still seems like smacking the man who gave you your golden ticket. With statement's like "With iPods and iPads and Xboxes and PlayStations, -- none of which I know how to work -- information becomes a distraction, a diversion, a form of entertainment, rather than a tool of empowerment, rather than the means of emancipation" it becomes clear that he's not necessarily against the devices, but how the information is taken in.

I can't help but disagree with the man, who boldly claims he has no idea how these devices actually work. Yes there is a danger in misinformation, for a small trivial issue to snowball into a huge mess of misinformed sheep bleating out on something they don't understand, but this massive access to information from anywhere provides something that is so much greater than the risk. The massive amount of information to be accessed at any given time gives all of us the ability to fact check for ourselves, I can read about an issue, and actually go on to study it. I couldn't do that twenty years ago without a 15 minute drive and a library card.

It's all about having common sense, or as I like to call it, a BS Filter. The ability to be grossly misinformed by a nonofficial news source forces people to question what they're told, to see for themselves what is true, and what isn't, as opposed to having to take the talking head's word for it. This massive availability of information allows us all to be involved, to know whats happening in more than just our own backyard. We can at any time find out what the weather is, who was in that movie we're thinking of, what the traffic report is, and what our government is doing that may effect us.

These tools of instant information are not polluting out minds, these devices are not for entertainment, they're tools for us to learn. Obama went on to say how important being informed was, that knowledge is too important to be trivialized as entertainment. I have one thing to say to Obama right now... Learn. Learn how these tools are used. Pick up an iPad and go searching for an American History text book, take out an iPhone and go to WhiteHouse.gov, grab an Xbox controller and play a game of Call of Duty so you can know that it is for entertainment, and doesn't sensationalize knowledge. Realize, please, that these devices you're talking about are doing the exact thing you're asking us to do, keeping us informed and giving us the knowledge we need.

Just remember to keep that BS Filter on.

I... really don't know what this is.

I remember who I was.
I know who I am.
I fear who I will become.
Hold onto hope or hang your head in the tradition of lost causes.
There is no middle ground anymore, if there ever was.
It is lost.
Don't follow its footsteps.


Life is a lesson.
Life is a test.
Life is an answer.
Life is everything.

There is no glory in death without someone left behind to behold it.
There is no honor in loss without a witness.
Without glory, without honor... is there purpose?


And without purpose, how can we dare to hope?



If life is everything,
And hope is life;
Hope is everything.
Don't lose it.

Whats your Type?

Some time ago, a Puerto Rican family moved two houses down from me. This statement would hold no real significance if you didn't know where I lived. I live in a very conservative, very white suburb. This has caused me to roll my eyes, and have more than one shouting match with my family, who are a bit... racist. It boggles my mind, it angers me, it is just incomprehensible how someone can judge another by something so... pointless, as their ethnic background. But you know what annoys me slightly more? The thing that just makes me sigh? People living into stereotype.

Now let me make this perfectly clear, and the fact that I must make this statement annoys me. I am not talking about culture, my opinions on that little subject can wait. What I am talking about are people, of any race, living into their negative stereotype. Essentially, the people who justify the racist, the people who the racist point at and shout out to the world how right they were. The people who, to put it shortly, ruin it for everyone else.

Racism is a terrible thing, there are few things less worthy to be than a racist. But I can at least, if not understand, than see where it comes from. My family doesn't hate minorities, they interact with them the same as any other person, they're not out in front of out ethnic neighbor's yard with a burning cross, they simply carry with them unjust prejudice. It's something they grew up with, their parents, a society of segregation, taught my parents, who taught my older brother. The only reason I wasn't brought up the same way is because I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood. Their wrong, sure, but it wasn't born out of hate but ignorance and fear.

But I can't help but shake my head at people who do stupid things that play into the already preset mindset of people who are racist. Here we have a Latino family moving into a predominantly white town, they're already going to be watched with narrowed eyes. Now does this mean that these people should change themselves to fit someone's ideal? Of course not! There's no reason that anyone should change their ways for someone else.

But then simple courtesy should tell you not to have loud parties lasting till one in the morning...

As well it would be wise not to have loud arguments at six in the morning on a Sunday, brandishing a bat, in front of someone else's house. I watched and shook my head as this took place, watched as a cop rolled in, which was the only thing to put a stop to it. As I walked back upstairs when my curiosity abated, I heard my mother chide in about how they should 'Go back to New Brunswick.' I sighed, and while hating my mother's statement, hated how wrong it was to say, I couldn't help but think about how these people were justifying my families ignorance.

I'm not talking anyone who is Puerto Rican, or anyone Latin or remotely Spanish, I'm talking about a select few here. And isn't that whats at the basis of racism? Focusing on those few that do not, but end up, representing an entire people? Think about how many people bleated out that the only reason Barack Obama won was because of all the black people who only voted for him because he was black. It's an ignorant statement right? Yes, but... there are those few, that handful of black people, who did just that. Racism is something I hate, it's humanities weakness personified. It's ignorance and fear combined into one hate filled and sometimes dangerous emotional response. But what makes me boil over all the more is the people who do just as much to damage race relations as the racists themselves, they don't have the excuse of ignorance and fear. They're just... People.

Also with that logic, why didn't Al Sharpton win in 2004?

Mother's Day

Mother, you bore me,
You held me,
You loved me.
And I said nothing.

Mother, you clothed me,
You fed me,
You bathed me.
And I said nothing.

Mother, you spoke to me,
You hugged me,
You rocked me.
And I said nothing.

Mother, you taught me,
You showed me,
You sheltered me.
And I said nothing.

Mother, I thank you,
I need you,
I love you.
And now I wish to show you.

For as each passing day makes its mark on my past, it brings me nearer to understanding.
And as the understanding dawns, my respect for you grows and matures.
As I draw closer to this day, the day when it is my turn to show you my love in the most constant way possible,
I learn. I watch. I feel. And I weep.
I could only ever hope to be half the woman, the mother, the friend, the listener, the wife, the human being you are.

You have made me unafraid to be myself.
You have taught me to love others for who they are.
You have guided me through hard times and simple.
You have loved without condition.

You yell at me when I do stupid things, out of love and fear.
I remember the time you were so worried; I fell down the stairs and you ran and grabbed me and shook me seeing if I was ok. Your nails hurt worse than the wood on my back. But I didn't mind, it meant you loved me.
You weren't always a person, you were a dream, a mystery, a worthy foe, a protector, a legend, a hero.
Now I see that you are not. You are mortal after all.
It makes you all the more impressive, Mom.


Mommy, I love you.
I always have.
I always will.
After all, I learned from the best.