Introspectiveness Sucks

So... today I had a conversation with my mother. We talked about relationships, love and what people need, in general, to be happy with another person.


And it got me thinking or, more specifically, worrying.

I wonder if I'm too picky in what I look for in a person.

I want to laugh, to cry, to argue, to be agreed with, to be given space, to be held, to drive them up a wall, to be loved, to feel hands in my hair, to feel fingers in mine.

I want to be awkwardly comfortable. I want to them to be maturely childish. Cynically hopeful.

I want an impossible balance.

I used to think that love was enough. I've learned differently.

I don't know if what I want is so.... hard to find. I don't know if my standards are too high.

I'm worried they are... but I'm also afraid of compromising and settling for something less than actual happiness.

And then I worry... What if I find them or found them.. and I just am not/was not what they wanted.

What if my balance doesn't mesh with theirs?

I know it fits my personality, but I really don't want to be the crazy lady with all the cats. I don't want to be "Aunt Amanda" forever... I want to be "Mom" someday.

I know humans, by nature, fear loneliness. We are social creatures. I know my thoughts are normal... I also know that sometimes people like me end up just like I am afraid to. Alone.



The poet knelt in the sand,
Her eyes on the grains as they slipped away.
And she knew, feeling the softness contrast
The coarseness she knew could be,
That her fears were validated
By the simplicity of regret.



Have a good weekend, friends.

-Manda