Ode To You

So life is hard, deal.
So things aren't going your way, change.
So you can't, so you won't, so you don't know how.
So don't.

Close your mouth, open your eyes,
Your mind, your heart,
Stop spewing your rancid quotes
Of sameness, of uneffected monotony.

We get it, you're you,
No qualifier will ever justify.
So don't change, don't live.
Stay the same and wallow.

So I get it, you're you,
But if this pleases you so much,
Why is it a constant string of
Why, why, whys and crying woe to me?

So you get it, you're you,
I'm so happy that this is plain to see.
You've accepted your stature of sameness,
And you plan to let it fester.

So do it, end your life while you're still living.
Or perhaps you never began.
Do it and keep it to yourself.
Because if I can't help you, I don't need the reminders.

It's not that I don't care, I do.
But with every step backwards,
Or every time your feet plant into the dirt,
The pain in my heart is overwhelming.

So do what you have to do,
Don't worry, don't fret, don't change,
Stay how you are and be it always.
But do it in quiet.

But if ever you choose to live again,
To open your eyes, to take a breath,
To start that step you faltered on for so long,
Whisper your humble acquiescence.
And running I will come.

Hate

Today I'm talking about something I really didn't want to talk about. Manda came up to me with it, and I just shook it off, the video she wanted me to watch was over forty minutes long and was about a anti-homosexuality bill in Uganda (Africa). I didn't wanna watch it or get too involved with the issues for a number of reasons, for one we have enough issues here in America with our inability to simply accept Homosexuality as something not to be feared or hated, it's a bill being passed in an African Nation a place I have shall we say, limited (i.e. None), influence over, and finally I just wanted to play Hitman: Blood Money before work.

But I did watch the video after some goading, and it was... sadly... as expected. It was filled with the same ignorance and hatred as the Anti-Gay people over here. Men stood in front of many and used misinformation and lies to spread their vile hate of others. The only difference between Uganda and America is just how wide spread it has become, that and of course it may lead to death for being gay. Fueling this hatred, this vile act, is of course, Evangelicals.

Many people believe it is a handful of Evangelicals from America that sparked this whole issue, that before them, while being gay in Uganda was by no means a safe life as it was still considered illegal, has now has become deadly as the flames of hatred have fanned across the entire nation. These men came to this country and spoke lies, they spoke hatred, they spoke against their fellow man, all in the name of their god. It amazes me how one line in a book written centuries ago can still influence us today simply because a man named Leviticus said the voice in his head was God.

I felt the twinge of my rage come early in the video when the man, and I use the word man lightly here, who proposed the bill stated that the reason he did it was to protect the children. Again and again we here this argument, and it is always so ludicrous it makes me want to scream. It's a clever trick, actually, to associate something you dislike with something considered morally wrong in nearly all cultures. You say Homosexuality and Pedophilia, and suddenly anyone who happens to like men becomes a pedophile. It's offensive and wrong, plain and simple. Anyone who has looked at the statistics will know that the most common occurrence of pedophilia is adult men and underage girls. And that's only the reported cases, with all these teachers being outed lately, I wouldn't be surprised if adult women and underage boys is higher on the list than gays.

The simple fact is that these people rally against something harmless because of their fantasy. They know they can't truly get anywhere with simply saying 'the Bible says so', so they concoct lies, they slander, they mislead, and they invent. They tell people that gays want your children, that there's a massive Homosexual agenda, that gay sex is deviant and dangerous. They tell people that Homosexuality is completely unnatural, a choice, something that can be fixed and rehabilitated...

And it's all lies. It's the worst kind of lie, hate filled and designed to stir emotion of people not thinking straight. As much as I want to, and I really want to, I can't hate the people of Uganda. They're all being mislead, they're all being told fantastic and simply untrue things about Homosexuality. If I didn't know any better, if I looked upon a man I respected and looked up to, if he told me that Gays were monsters and showed me graphs and pictures of disturbing images... I too would revert to a primal emotional response... The fear, the confusion, the urge to protect myself and those I love. These people are filled with hate, yes, but it's not their fault. They're being fed... They're being lied to. They react quick to what they don't truly understand... And it's those men and women at the top, the people who have the masses trust, the ones who do know better who are the true scum. It's just so sad to see bad people with influence.

I wonder if they'd say Homosexuality was unnatural if they knew that 1500 species of animals practice homosexual relationships?

Expectations and all that jazz

It seems that expectations are never met, either way.

One is too high; the standard set so the hoops you must jump through trip you more than guide you.

The other too low; want nothing, expect nothing, ask for nothing, receive and have mind blown.

Why can't we ever just have the expectation set for "do your best". And then have that actually meant.

No saying it and then harboring expectations regardless. Secret hopes or beliefs are just.... bullshit.

I know, I know. Human nature blah blah blah, has to happen that way with free thought blah blah blah.

I do it too... but....dammit....

I'm pissed, ok?

I'm sick of being thought of like an incompetent idiot by the same people that expect the sun and the moon to shine out of my fucking ass.




Look me in the eye,
Tell me what you really think.
The truth might hurt more,
But at least then you don't have to blink.
Those tears, they are refreshing,
The cool path they run on my heat.
They may seem utter sadness to you,
But to me, they are relief you just can't beat.

Trace the lines on my face,
They are welcome; wrinkle or salt.
So when you see my reaction to your truth,
There is no wrong, no fault.
So, hearing this testimony,
Do you still wish to pump more lies.
Doing so would mean the end of our song,
And the beginning of the terrible goodbyes.





Growing. It's tiresome, to say the least.

Weird Science

Earlier today I walked downstairs to grab some dinner, after putting the barbecued chicken into the Microwave, I plopped down onto the couch and watched the tail end of Mythbusters with my mother. The episode seemed to be about the usage of pressurized air and gunpowder as a propulsion method and fuel respectively, both being obvious failures in the experiments, but entertaining enough as Mythbusters tends to be. Then another show came on, a sinister show, a show that has no place upon the Discovery channel, a channel that touts itself as a station that promotes the spread of knowledge. This show was Weird or What?

Weird or What purported to explore strange events that were unknown, unexplained by conventional science. A big fan of science, I already felt a bit of a twinge in my eye. My dinner was waiting though, and I had to send it through a second spin in the microwave already, so I got up and took my food upstairs. Though on my way up I heard them talk about the first item on this show, the idea that someone else discovered the Americas before Columbus. I thought to myself, well yeah... duh, the Vikings were there ages before Columbus, they just didn't care enough to stake out any land. But oh no, this show had a different idea... The Chinese!

What followed was silly assumptions brought on by negligible evidence. Stone Anchors being the only real showings. I was rolling my eyes already at the assertion that a Chinese boat, which a historical expert stated could never stand travel across any broad ocean, would make it across the Pacific. Then the show threw me as I realized they were in fact talking about the Chinese landing on the east coast! There was nothing to show any signs of legitimacy in any of these arguments, the theorists only providing circumstantial evidence, including a medallion the man 'found' buried somewhere in North Carolina.

And despite the fact that the evidence was lacking, and that some of these people were trying to force their preset theories to fit the available information, this show continued to put to the viewer the possibility of truth in any of this. The show continued on to examine the 'legitimacy' of organs like hearts retaining memories that are transferred to donor recipients, the idea that a man who was struck by lightning is somehow drawing the lightning strikes as opposed to being a victim of poor circumstance, and something that would give M. Night Shyamalan's schlock of a movie The Happening some credence... are plants sentient.

As I watched this show I was literally driven into a fury. I screamed at my television that the circumstances of the man's life was the most likely cause of his constant dealings with lightning, that the cluster of nerves in organs couldn't possibly store any memory and that muscle memory does not work that way, and that using a polygraph test on a plant to measure emotional stress was the most ludicrous application of equipment I have ever seen. This whole show screamed at me something I despise, something I hate, something I rally against... Bad science.

People who use science in the same way most of us would use a stick shift, incorrectly. People who use equipment in ways it wasn't intended to, like Ghost Hunters using an EMP meter. People who come to a conclusion first, and then search for the evidence that makes their preset determination work and only seem to search for evidence to disprove other theories like Creationists. People who use completely unmeasurable and untestable pseudo-scientific sounding principals to explain their extraordinary 'natural' abilities like psychics and telekinetics.

These people are con men, and charlatans in the worst way. They, unlike those in the past, aren't pointing at supernatural events and claiming magic, god, aliens, and ghosts... They aren't using words the common man can dispute. These people are using the language of science to give their half truths and outright lies credence. They are using the language of science to convince otherwise well minded people who simply do not understand how their methods are wrong. These people anger me more than anyone who simply claims 'God/Wizard/Xenu did it' because they can actually be taken seriously. These people actually become something of merit when compared to legitimate science.

The worst thing is that it can be done accidentally. They're ignorance of the actual progression of the Scientific Method allows them to feel they are being scientific, that they are actually progressing their ideas and theories. This may be more understandable, but isn't any better. A liar of accidence is no less dangerous than a liar of purpose. These people point at their half studied findings and belt out their untruth, and the problem, the huge problem, is that a lot of people will take them as bare fact. And that's dangerous.

And it's on again. Fuck.

Smile

It's not the same,
The happiness and laughter,
The conversations and uncomplicated ease.

I know things are different,
I'm not what you wanted,
I'm not who you need anymore.

But smile, dear, smile for me.
Smile for our past, for what we could have been.
Smile for me, m'dear. Smile.

Release the breath, hold onto the memories,
Without them, without those; it was all for nothing.
But I am... Sorry, I mean. I'm so, so sorry.

So smile, dear. Smile for me.
Remember our ease, what we had before.
Smile for me, m'dear. Smile.

Forced Family

Way back when we first started this little site Manda discussed how important her family was to her. Back then she also wanted each of out sequential articles to be related in some way. As you can see that has not been the case, but now I've decided to throw my hat in on this whole Family thing, mostly inspired by this weekend's barbecue where they were all nice and present. And I have to say, in all honesty, I don't like my family...

In fact, I rather dislike the most of them. Now qualifiers need to be stated, I am only talking about my distant family, I love each and every single person who lives with me in my household, why? Cause those are the people I've grown with, the people who have been in my life from day one. But my uncles, my aunt, cousins, and to a small degree even my sister... Well, I don't want anything to do with them. Whenever these people are here I holed up in my room, I avoid them at all cost. All interaction is as limited as possible. Little words, no eye contact, avoid shaking hands.

Now you may be thinking that I'm cold, that I'm so rude and disrespectful. This is my family! I should love them all because they're who I come from. I have to ask... why? Why do we expect people to endure people they would in any other circumstance despise simply because there is some limited genetic link between them? My relatives outside of my household are people I would never associate with in any way if we were strangers. If I met these people on the streets, I would genuinely dislike them...

Family to me is not blood. My mother's husband may not be my father but he is more family to me that my aunt or uncles will ever be. He is someone I often disagree with, we have different viewpoints on many issues, and we have gotten into heated arguments over the years that I've known him, but I know he's a good man and that is what makes him my family. The entire idea that being linked by blood means anything is ridiculous to me, when it's so much more meaningful to be linked by life. Your family shouldn't be the ones your expected to love, they should be the ones you've come to love over time.

Blood is thicker than water, but water tastes a lot better.

Loopholes, They Are Sexy

The roads to hell,
To suffering, pain,
Admonishment and broken minds,
Are not lined with gold
Or paved with pleasant gifts.

The roads to heaven,
To acceptance, peace,
Achievement and completeness,
Are not lined with ash
Or built in sorrow and hatred.

Nothing is completely polar,
Things are never what you are told.
Do not have preconceived notions
Do not let the world surprise you.
Give in. Let go. Free-fall.



So.. no punishment because we didn't FORGET to post. Posts were unable to be put up do to lack of internet.

We continue as normal.

Ask, Tell

I'm going to admit something, I had nothing today. I really did not know what I was going to talk about. I scoured my news sites, looking for a topic to talk about, and I was about to give up. Then I refreshed the page, and saw it, I saw history being made. I saw the article in which the House of Representatives in a majority vote of 234-194, repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell. I was shocked, in awe, I was proud, and I was happy. Then of course that little nibbling sensation came to me and asked 'What took so long?'

The appeal will be implemented some time in 2011, and marks a bit of a changing point in America. And it's not just about acceptance, it's not just about equality and civil liberties, this is about common sense. I remember the stories a few years back about a number of gay translators being removed from service. I remember these men who provided an invaluable service, that of translating a language others could not speak, were being thrown out of the army for something that was not of their control. We were losing these men, these invaluable men, for being themselves.

The real problem with Don't Ask, Don't Tell is that it at first sounds so reasonable. If you simply don't tell people you're gay, you won't be thrown out, nobodies going to inquire so you can serve just as much as any other person. The problem is that it's unjust and unfair, no other person is being asked to hide who they are. The problem, the real problem, is it's not asking gay men to not tell they're gay, it's asking them simply not to be gay.

For the entirety of these men's service, they cannot let on that they are gay or they will be discharged. For years they will have to resist their very natural attraction to any man, enlisted or not, in fear of being discovered. It's the 1970s all over again, except this time gays are hiding for their right to defend this country, and not to keep themselves from being persecuted. I'm not going to beat my chest and be ignorant and state that asking a gay man to not be gay is like asking a black man to not be black... It is possible to actually hide the fact that you are gay, obviously, but the simple truth of this matter is that these people are being asked to sacrifice more than any other enlisted man, they're being asked to sacrifice themselves before they even finish boot camp.

Allowance does not mean no discrimination, it does not mean equality, it does not mean that one man is worth the same as another. The asking of gays to jump through hoops to attain something a straight person can have without issue is in the news all the time as of late with jobs, marriage, and service to this country. It's amazing that we can exist in this time, and only just now fix one of these problems. I'm happy this appeal has seemingly gone through, I await for it to be implemented, and maybe lead to narrowing that gap between gay people and the rest of the nation.

Though, a good way to start would be for most to stop thinking of them as gay people, and just as people.

The End

This is my last day of punishment and I have NOTHING to write about.

Here we go!



I won't say everything is good, cause it's not.
Things are up, things are down,
It's life. It's living.
But, somehow, those little annoyances validate.
They make everything more intense.

Because, in what fucked up sense,
Can a world of all one-sided feeling
Be better than a world of topsy-turvy
Ups and downs, expressions; pain
Love and exploration?




That's all I have. I'm tapped. I need a day off.

Back to you, Will.

Ranty Poem Thing!

Is an open mind the key to an open heart,
Or does it lack any connection?
Are we all just wandering, aimless and disadvantaged?
No point, no thought, no chance?
Oh dear god, I hope not.

Because, to me, it would seem
That there would have to be a point to living.
Why else would philosophers moon
And the singers croon over the meaning?
A valid point, you know.

But the general mind disagrees,
Calls me a fool for bothering to wonder.
Tells me to let it go, because I'll never know
Even if there was some grand scheme of things.
How upsetting... or accurate?

There is no chance to wonder.
We can never pause living to think.
Whether you choose to know or you let it all go,
Either way, it's all just a guess.
Very true.

So what is the point of this poem?
Wondering if there is reason to wonder?
There is always the thought because we are taught
That "what is the point" is the greatest question of all.
Pffft.










Yeah, I don't know what that was.

I'm tired, I'm all broken up inside my head-box-thing.

Maybe once I pump out my to do list and my grocery list and actually get it all done before Thursday, theeeennnnnnnn I'll have a real brain.

Cause I'm a real girl!


Yay!

One more day, one more day, one more day, one more day, one more day.